How do I avoid the Good in light of the Better?
When I come upon a fork in the road, and am greeted to my left with Good and to my right with Better, how do I find myself avoiding choosing my right over my left?
I feel as though this calendar year has been one of Good*.
Yet no matter how grateful I am that Good is not Bad, I have found myself in a cerebral convolution and amongst the tortured souls of those whom have chosen Good over Better. Those who find themselves being gnawed away by Potential, by the what could have been, by the foreboding knowledge that there once was a choice that could have taken them in a direction of things much more profound then where they find themselves now. For they have found themselves among the Good when they knew they were destined for the Better, and they know the only one to blame for such a unsatisfactory transition is themselves.
But once the deed is done, once I've already chosen the Good, how do I avoid the torture of the impervious agony in its form of guilt and discontentment? (And how do I welcome humility and meekness in it's place?)**
For I find myself going left, and with each pace away from the increasingly distant fork in the road where Better once stood, I feel the weight of my chest increase. It takes more energy for my heart to beat as strong as it once did, and yet the energy isn't available for it is now being distributed in a sparring manner to all the faculties that now desire it, to figure out how I allowed myself to give up Better to begin with.
'You've made your bed, now lie in it.'
I'll tell you where I am; I'm staring at my bed.
Discontent and heartbroken at what I've made; not because it isn't good, but because I know I could have had Better.
'People will always let you down.'
I suppose it was my own turn.
There is this overwhelming blanket atop me that screams worst intentions. That chokes with every Better I compromise.
I do not know how to let this go.
'From where I'm sitting these shoes ain't fitting and I'm going nowhere, killing time.' – Something Corporate
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* I can't help but correlate Good with complacency, and cannot help but feel as though I've cheated myself by allowing Good.
** King David made many mistakes, and the consequences were brutal, actions whose re-actions reached the point of Death. I'm not alone in this, I know that – but no matter how humble I wish to perceive myself as, this human faulted ability to fail and be completely wrong is a slap in the face and a painful realization. No matter how much I know I am not alone in my faults, I also know that that doesn't alter the overwhelming feelings of being so, nor does it lift the unwavering guilt and depression of failure. Yet I am told at this point is where I understand that I am nothing, and within that epiphany I realize the paradox; that this nothing is worth His Everything.
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I’ll move from my 1978 RV known as ‘The Swinger’, in all of its glory within suburbia, into the city of New Orleans in just under two weeks.
My season with Crisis Response is done and it is time for me to move out and move on.
I’ll be renting a room out of a friend’s house in the city, and will be pursuing ‘normal’ life for a little while, appreciating the subtle luxury’s I give up seemingly often enough (a bathroom within 30 seconds distance, television, a real house, pets, income, etc.).
Prayers for a job, transportation and the transition in itself would be incredibly appreciated.
I’m looking forward for some time to relax and recoup a little after a long first half of 2008.
Love you all. Like – a lot. :)
K
‘Some of the best letters come from prison.’ – Rob Bell
‘The Master said, Be of unwavering good faith.’ – Ancient Chinese. Analects.
‘Hateful to me as are the gates of Hades is that man who says one thing, and hides another in his heart.’
– Greek. Homer, Iliad.
‘The foundation of justice is good faith.‘ – Roman. Cicero, De Officiis.
‘A sacrifice is obliterated by a lie and the merit of alms by an act of fraud.’ Hindu. Janet, i. 6
‘Courage has got to be harder, heart the stouter, spirit the sterner, as our strength weakens. Here lies our lord, cut to pieces, out best man in the dust. If anyone thinks of leaving this battle, he can howl forever.’ - Anglo Saxon. Maldon.
‘Natural affection is a thing right and according to Nature.’ – Greek.
‘I ought not to be unfeeling like a statue but should fulfill both my natural and artificial relations, as a worshiper, a son, a brother, a father, and a citizen.’ – Greek.
‘Did not Socrates love his own children, though he did so as a free man and as one not forgetting that the gods have the first claim on our friendship?’ – Greek. Epictetus.
‘Is it only the sons of Atreus who love their wives? For every good man, who is right-minded, loves and cherishes his own.’ – Greek. Homer, Iliad.
‘The union and fellowship of men will be best preserved if each receives from us the more kindness in proportion as he is more closely connected with us.’ - Roman. Cicero, De Officiis.
