blech.

Classmate Johanna and I had a sweet photo shoot.

The final project is due today, in 15 hours. 

60 photos, most of which are to fit into specific categories [i.e. color harmony, b+w landscape, portrait beyond likeness, something portraying a Hawaiian family, etc.] to be shot, exported and burned to disc and 13 of which are to be printed with top quality, 3 of which to be matted, by ourselves [not by Wal-Mart].

Our exhibition is Friday.

Multiple prints set out on display for a few hours for the public and then torn down that night.

I shoot a wedding on Saturday.

Early afternoon including going back to the beach in the evening for sunset shots.

[I've been praying for a wedding! YAY!]

I move/travel on Wednesday.

Mmmm stress.

At this moment I have two more prints to make, 13x19" and I need to re-burn my images to DVD and matte 3 of the prints. I told a friend I was about 90% done, but maybe that's more like 80%.

I like Jesus. A lot.

I figured you should know.

Basically struggle sucks. It does. But at the same time, I completely hesitate in going so far as to say it 'sucks' because I think I'm beginning to like it...

I know that sounds perhaps somewhat masochistic but it's not. 

Before, when struggle and difficulties would arise it was like "Alright God, I'll lean on you, I need you to get me through this because otherwise all this other crap is going to happen, and frankly, simply, I need your intervention and grace."

But right now, right in these past weeks, the struggle has been hard. Really hard. I'm so broken down and weak. Talk about an [internal] convoluted mess on the floor and there you'll find me.

But I'm stinking falling in love.

None of this crap about "I don't regret anything because I've learned from it all and am a stronger person because of it."

Yah right! I used to subscribe to that magazine.

I regret things. I regret decisions. I regret words I've said.

I don't wallow in it, but I'm also not choosing to pretend everything is better off because of 'lessons learned'.

And really? Are we really supposed to become those stronger people? ... That's another discussion...

But hot dang, if these things that have been tormenting me hadn't been, Jesus and I would still be on the same little road that we were. Which was nice and all, but the place we're at now? SO MUCH BETTER. It's like when something is so good that you're reminded of every reason why you whipped your life around it to begin with.

Like take music for instance.

I won't have been to a concert in months and it won't ever really cross my mind, but then I'll walk past a building and hear the soundcheck of the drums of some concert inside and this insane thrill goes through me and it all rushes back, and I remember how much I love being in those rooms with those dimmed lights with those sweaty people's backs in my face with the fight of keeping my ribcage from being crushed. I remember why I love it. And then I love it all over again.

Or like listening to the same bands over and over and then suddenly you're introduced to a new band with a new style in a different genre and it flips your world and you can't get it out of your mind and the lyrics are revelatory and you go to sleep at night singing those songs and you wake up singing in the same place you feel asleep at and you love it no less the more it is. And it reminds you why you loved music to begin with. It's fresh air to a stale room.

And both of those analogies don't really compare, and quite honestly I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare and I want to link it to his sonnets and how he talks about how if he wrote more eloquently and used all the words possible to describe his love, it would all just deface it because none of it would do it justice, and they'd just be words for words sake. And so he won't say anything because not much needs to be said. Because it is that good. It is too good to compare, too good to describe. Even the most exquisite poetry would devalue it. It just is what it is.

Jesus and I aren't that good, all the time. I mean, come on, it's a relationship, but it's also not a 'normal relationship' because it's not fallible human to fallible human, but fallible broken me to God. But what we are, isn't really describable. And I'm not saying that to be all 'out there' and vague, but how it is to me are like images in my head and it's hard to describe that. If I had words to use, I would. But I don't really, and I apologize for that because then this is all like a tease, "look what I have! But I wont show you!"

Lame.

So, uh, struggle isn't fun. I wouldn't call it that. 

But I'm closer to Jesus because of it. But it's not like a pre-requisite either. It's not like "fine I'll go through this to get closer to you." 

It's like "I want you."

That's it.

Those times that freaking sucked the worst in the past few weeks, I'd sit with him. And we'd talk. And I'd tell him things and he'd tell me things. And just naturally, when you spend more time with people, you get closer to them, but when you spend more time with people when you're going through a rough patch, you get way more close to them.

I'm not just being reminded of how much I love him, but I'm falling in love again and deeper.

And so I'm getting to this point, where when I see struggle, I kinda bypass it. I don't really see struggle. I go through it, I experience it still, but it's not really what I'm looking at anymore... I'm just seeing Jesus and I'm just looking forward to knowing him better. And looking forward for him to know me better. 

And yah.

But I mean, even still, if you felt like it you could pray for me because it still has been rough and I still am freaking weak and I still am human and therefore fallible in all ways. But rough doesn't necessarily mean pray for smooth, and weak doesn't necessarily mean pray for strength. Those aren't particularly what I need. 

In other news, the table discussion tonight was about various people's supernatural encounters and I'm gonna say that nothing is impossible with God. Like, quite seriously, nothing.

I want to know Him more. I want more of this.

And I know I told you I move/travel on Wednesday [26th] and didn't tell you where or why or for what. I know I didn't. It's coming.

I'd really like a home cooked meal. Breakfast actually. Crapes, or ableskivers. 

Mmmmmm... 

:)

+++

"But it's not like what to do next, it's just like when to do all the rad options God has for me that I could do!" 

- Brad, DTS student a few hours post-outreach, tonight.